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User blog:Ultimate Hair Dryer/Wolverine vs Freddy Krueger. Ultimate Hair Dryer's Rap Battles
God damn, it's been a hot minute since I've completed a battle. I actually have a lot of battles that I started writing a long time ago on my phone and that I just add a bit to every now and then. But for this one, I really wanted to see what I could do before it became an actual battle, and I have to say, it was some of the most fun I've had writing a battle. I hope it's noticeable :) Also I forced myself not to read anyone else's version of this 'cause I didn't want it to influence my writing. So if there's any similarities to an existing battle, that's a complete coincidence ! (which would be pretty cool actually) 'Instrumental' The instrumental is Maze Runner by Allrounda Beats. 'Lyrics' ULTIMATE HAIR DRYER'S RAP BATTLES FREDDY KRUEGER VS WOLVERINE BEGIN 'Freddy Krueger' (0:21) I've haunted the silver screen, earned my cred on Elm Street, now some WWE bee wants Fred to helm beats. Well I get pretty gory. Glad you dropped the PG-13. I'm a predatory Beast and I'm Craven some wolverine ! One, two... Bitch I'm coming for you ! Three, four... And your whole clan of X-Whores ! And your by-the-numbers movies too. Bitch I'm coked-up Looney Tunes. I'll slaughter all your children or at least the few you knew ! 'Wolverine' (0:43) Quite cocky for someone whose worst challenge was juveniles, stuck in the same street like spooky Desperate Housewives. I'm a literal weapon ! Don't be so adamant, bub. You've got a bone to pick ? Then taste some adamantium ! My 1880s steeze cuts through your 1980s cheese. Who would bring kitchen knives against guns like these ? I'm a huge jacked man, don't need Xavier to school a tool. You look like Deadpool had a public gene pool ! 'Freddy Krueger' (1:05) Speaking of Jean, she had a few wet dreams for me. I moved on her like a bitch while she acted like Stormy ! You've got a lot of issues for a so-called hero, Log'. You killed your dad and took his name. Now that's cold-blooded, Dog ! This ain't Nightmare Before Xmas, there's no happy ending planned. I'll take Aussie Depp to bloody Hell with a single scissorhand ! If you can't heal from your past, then what's coming will be deadly. Check my slash-fic : Wolvie got fingered by Freddy ! 'Wolverine' (1:27) You thrive on attention but your fame's fading by the minute. It'll smell like gasoline on Halloween once The Wolverine is finished ! I cut deep when I'm X'ing out a lonely pansy who tries to kill it but took three films to kill Nancy ! Your god-awful sequels are all that's frightening about you. Even your own fans hope you'll be put to sleep soon. I coulda made like Wade and kept my lips stitched 'cause I don't even need words to burn Jason's bitch ! WHO WON ? WHO'S NEXT ? YOU DECIDE ULTIMATE HAIR DRYER'S RAP BATTLES 'Meanings' In case anyone's interested, here are some mean-aroonies. Freddy Krueger I've haunted the silver screen, earned my cred on Elm Street, Silver screen'' is an expression that denotes the cinema industry. When A Nightmare on Elm Street first came out, it was a commercial success, earning back its budget in one week, and is considered to be one of the greatest horror movies ever. The entire movie takes place on Elm Street, in the fictional town of Springwood, Ohio. Street cred, short for street credibility, is defined as the respect you have in an urban environment due to your experience.'' now some WWE bee wants Fred to helm beats. WWE stand for ''World Wrestling Entertainment and is an entertainment company known for professional wrestling. In the comics, Wolverine's costume is very much in line with a lot of professional wrestlers' outfit, and features a lot of black and yellow, like a bee.'' Well I get pretty gory. Glad you dropped the PG-13. Freddy does indeed get pretty gory, which is why every single one of his movies are rated R for ''Restricted. On the other hand, almost all of Wolverine's movies are rated PG-13, presumably to allow for a wider audience, the only exception being the last one, Logan, which was rated R as well.'' I'm a predatory Beast and I'm Craven some wolverine ! Like Wolverine, Beast is a character who is part of the X-Men, and Freddy is himself some sort of supernatural monster who preys on children and teens. Wes Craven is the director of ''A Nightmare on Elm Street and creator of Freddy Krueger. This is a pun on his name and craving. A wolverine is an animal that looks like a small bear and of which Fred is basically saying he's a predator.'' One, two...'' Bitch I'm coming for you !' ''This is a reference to Freddy's song, which is a parody of the ''One, Two, Buckle my shoe nursery rhyme, and of which the first lyrics is One, two, Freddy's coming for you. Bitch is also a word that Freddy says a lot. Like, a lot.'' Three, four... And your whole clan of X-Whores ! Continuation of the song and spoof on ''X-Men. Pretty straightforward but I thought it was funny.'' And your by-the-numbers movies too. Bitch I'm coked up Looney Tunes. Something is done ''by the numbers when it's done according to a formula and predictable. X-Men Origins: Wolverine and The Wolverine are movies that were kinda thought to be okay at best by a lot of people and pretty bad at worst. It's also a play on word on the two previous lines, which were literally by the numbers. Though he was intended to be more serious at first, Freddy Krueger is a very cartoonish and goofy character, like Looney Tunes, but darker and more violent, hence the coked-up part.'' I'll slaughter all your children or at least the few you knew ! In the long time Wolverine has been alive, he certainly got busy. But he also didn't exactly stick around very often. One of his children, Daken, had never met him until he was an adult and even became a villain. As a human, Freddy was a child murderer who targeted the kids of his former classmates as revenge for bullying him. However, since Wolverine seems to not care about a lot of his children, Freddy says he'll stick to the ones he does know. Wolverine Quite cocky for someone whose worst challenge was juveniles, Freddy has a very arrogant and cocky personality in his movies, yet the only opponents he has ever faced were teenagers. '''stuck in the same street like spooky ''Desperate Housewives. It's actually almost impossible for Freddy to leave Elm Street, and he doesn't at all in the main movies. ''Desperate Housewives is a comedy-drama soap-opera-ish series that also mostly takes place on a single street, Wisteria Lane. And like in Freddy's case, a big part of the characters' conflicts comes from their interaction with their teenage kids.'' I'm a literal weapon ! Don't be so adamant, bub. Weapon X is a fictional organization in the X-Men universe that experiments on mutants, and is responsible for giving Wolverine his adamantium skeleton. Wolverine is so associated with the organization that he is now also nicknamed Weapon X in the comics. ''Bub is a word that can be used like buddy and is said a bunch by Wolverine in the films.'' You've got a bone to pick ? Then taste some adamantium ! According to the dictionary.com definition: ''Having a "bone to pick with someone" means having a grievance that needs to be talked out. Wolverine's claws were originally his bones, but his whole skeleton, including his claws, was later replaced by a near-indestructible fictional alloy called adamantium by Weapon X.'' My 1880s steeze cuts through your 1980s cheese. Wolverine was actually born in the 1880s, a hundred years before ''A Nightmare on Elm Street came out, and stayed immortal because of his healing factor. Steeze is a mix of''style'' and ease. To be cheesy means to be corny and cheap, which a lot of 80s movies, including horror movies, are said to be. So Wolvie's coolness cuts through Freddy's cheap material, as his claws would through literal cheese.'' Who would bring kitchen knives against guns like these ? While Wolverine's claws are part of his body and incredibly solid, Fred's claw is a single rudimentary glove with knives attached to it. ''Guns is also slang for muscles, which Wolvie has plenty of. To bring a knife to a gunfight means to come to a battle underequipped.'' I'm a huge jacked man, don't need Xavier to school a tool. As mentioned above, Wolverine is indeed very jacked, meaning he's very muscular. Pun on the name of Wolverine's actor in the films, Hugh Jackman. I have to give credit to Triple-Stabber :P for that one, I hadn't heard it before and I love it ! Xavier is the last name of Professor X, who is the founder and the leader of the X-Men. He also owns the X-Mansion where the X-Men are headquarted and which also acts as a school for young mutants. ''To school can also mean to own in the context of a battle. Tool is another word for douchebag.'' You look like Deadpool had a public gene pool ! Deadpool is another character from the X-Men, who has a burnt face, just like Freddy. This is also a reference to a scene in Deadpool in which TJ Miller's character sees what Wade Wilson (DP's real name) looks like for the first time since he became Deadpool and says at some point ''You look like Freddy Krueger face-fucked a topographical map of Utah. Also, while having a lot of variety in your gene pool is a good thing, the public gene pool line is meant to conjure up more of a filthy and messy image. It's also a reference to Freddy's origin (Warning: pretty awful stuff ahead). The story is that his mom, a nurse at an asylum, was locked in accidentally locked in a room with some of the most insane criminals there were, and was raped by all of them repeatedly over a whole week-end (warned ya). She herself called Freddy the bastard son of a hundred maniacs.'' Freddy Krueger Speaking of Jean, she had a few wet dreams for me. Play on words between ''gene pool and Jean Grey another member of the X-Men and arguably Wolverine's main love interest. A wet dream is an erotic dream that involves involuntary ejaculation. Since Freddy can enter someone's dreams, it's pretty much a more adapted way of saying I fucked yo girl.'' I moved on her like a bitch while she acted like Stormy ! Donald Trump reference, because why not. ''I moved on her like a bitch (which includes Freddy's favorite word) was something said by Trump on the Access Hollywood grab her by the pussy tape. Stormy Daniels is a pornstar who is involved in an ongoing scandal in which Trump payed Daniels thousands of dollars during his campaign to keep her quiet about an affait they had. This connects back to Wolverine, as Storm is another X-Men member and another one of Wolvie's love interests.'' You've got a lot of issues for a so-called hero, Log'. As comic book character, Wolverine has literal issues, but also issues in the sense of problems when it comes to his character. Wolverine is often said to be a prime exemple of an anti-hero in fiction. Log' here is short for Logan, the name Wolverine adopted when he was young. You killed your dad and took his name. Now that's cold-blooded, Dog ! Wolverine, born James Howlett, was originally the illegitimate child of Thomas Logan, his adopted father's groundskeeper. After Thomas Logan killed his adopted father, Wolverine's claws appeared for the first time and he stabbed Thomas who revealed he was his father before dying. After fleeing his home, Wolverine then adopted his biological father's name, Logan, as his own. ''Dawg, another spelling of dog, is slang for friend. Dog is also the name of Thomas Logan's other child who was present during that whole killing debacle and was slashed across the face by Wolverine. Years following that incident, Dog tracks down Wolverine with the goal of killing him.'' This ain't Nightmare Before Xmas, there's no happy ending planned. The Nightmare Before Christmas'' is an animated fantasy movie that, like Freddy's film, has Nightmare in the title. Xmas is another spelling of Christmas, tying it back to the X-Men. While The Nightmare Before Christmas is enchanting and has a happy ending, A Nightmare on Elm Street is very much gritty and definitely does not have a happy ending. It also kinda implies that the Nightmare is all there is and there won't be a Christmas part after this. Also, something I wanted to include in the line but couldn't fit was that Freddy wears a red and green sweater, like the colors of Christmas. Thought it was a pretty cool coincidence.'' I'll take Aussie Depp to bloody Hell with a single scissorhand ! I'll be honest, I really love that line. An ''aussie is someone from Australia, like Hugh Jackman, Wolverine's actor (even though Wolvie is Canadian). This is a play on words with Johnny Depp, another actor whose first major role was in A Nightmare on Elm Street, in which he is killed by Freddy when he is pulled into a hole in his bed and a fountain of blood spurts out of it (scene here) hence the take to bloody Hell part. Bloody hell is also slang expressing anger and/or surprise and which is common in Britain, New Zealand, and...yup, Asutralia. But we're not done here, because one of Johnny Depp's most famous roles is Edward Scissorhands, a character with scissor blades instead of fingers and often brought up alongside the Freddy vs Wolvie matchup. So while Johnny Depp's character has claws on both hands like Wolverine, Freddy says he only needs one, as only his right hand has blades.'' If you can't heal from your past, then what's coming will be deadly. One of Wolverine's superpowers is healing factor, which allows him to heal from all injuries and diseases at a superhuman rate. However, while he can heal physically, Wolverine is clearly a very psychologically damaged character who carries a heavy past. Freddy says that if he can't even move forward from his past, then he definitely won't survive what he has in store for him. In the movies, Freddy also hunts down his victims by exploiting their deepest fears, so since Wolverine has a lot of baggage, Freddy can use it to his advantage to beat him. Check my slash-fic : ''Wolvie got fingered by Freddy !'' To ''slash means to cut by sweeping violently, as both characters do with their claws. A slasher is also a kind of horror movie in which the villain slashes their victims with razors or knives, like A Nightmare on Elm Street. Slash fiction is a genre of fan fiction that ships two characters of the same gender, and fingering is a sexual act in which one fiddles the vajayjay, or in this case, the bumbum. Except here, getting fingered by Freddy would probably hurt a bit, on account of his finger-knives. This is also a reference to Freddy Got Fingered, a Tom Green movie.'' Wolverine You thrive on attention but your fame's fading by the minute. Wolverine is saying that Freddy is an attention seeker due to his personality. But Freddy's existence also literally depends on people paying attention to him, as he can only prey on people if they know about him and fear him. Wolverine takes that in the context of the real world by saying that his popularity is dying out. It'll smell like gasoline on Halloween once The Wolverine is finished ! Before he was the supernatural monster we see in the films, Freddy Krueger was a child serial killer who was let off due to a technicality. A mob of angry parents took matters into their own hands and cornered Freddy in a boiler room where he used to take his victims and doused the building with gasoline before setting on fire. This is when Freddy physically died, but his spirit kept living on in the dreams of teenagers. So Wolverine says that he'll light Freddy on fire again like they did before. While I don't think the movie takes place on Halloween, it did come out around that time, and either way, Halloween is heavily associated with horror and slasher movies. I cut deep when I'm X'ing out a lonely pansy To cut deep'' means to hurt someone emotionally deeply by bringing up very personal matters, and it's also a wordplay on the word cut. To X out means to cross out, to erase, and it's another wordplay on the X-Men. Freddy was indeed very lonely throughout his life, as he grew up without really any parents and used to be bullied a lot in school, and obviously, there's not probs not a lot of people to hang out with in the Dream World.'' who tries to kill it but took three films to kill Nancy ! To kill it'' means to perform very successfully. Here there's a double meaning, as Freddy literally kills people. Nancy Thompson is character in A Nightmare on Elm Street who survives Freddy, and while she doesn't appear in the second movie, she is finally killed at the end of the third one, but not before she kills Freddy herself.'' Your god-awful sequels are all that's frightening about you. Almost all of ''A Nightmare on Elm Street sequels and reboots are considered by a lot of people to be pretty terrible. Even though Freddy is a horror movie character, Wolverine says the poor quality of his sequels are the only thing about him that unnerves him.'' Even your own fans hope you'll be put to sleep soon. Those sequels are so terrible that even Freddy's fans would hope they'd stop making more so as to not ruin his character. To ''put to sleep is a euphemism for euthanizing and references Freddy's ability to enter someone's dreams when they're asleep.'' I coulda made like Wade and kept my lips stitched Wade Wilson is the real name of Deadpool, mentioned earlier. He made his first cinematic appearance in ''X-Men Origins: Wolverine, in which his character had his mouth sewed shut, and whose serious and silent portrayal angered a lot of fans. Weird to reference something that's considered a terrible choice, but I just thought it was something funny to reference.'' 'cause I don't even need words to burn Jason's bitch ! Obligatory ''Freddy vs. Jason reference. Freddy vs. Jason is a 2003 movie that pitted Freddy Kruger against Jason Voorhees from Friday the 13th, another slasher movie. While the battles in it stay relatively even throughout the film, Jason does end up being the one killing Freddy. He's also seen at the end walking out of the lake and carrying Freddy's severed head with him, before it winks at the camera and the movie ends (which kinda is pretty Looney Tunes-y if you ask me). Jason is also famous for being completely silent. So if Jason could own Freddy without speaking at all, Wolverine says he could have done the same if he had sewn his mouth up. To burn someone is slang for dissing someone, which is slang for insulting and mocking someone, and also references Freddy's burnt-ass body again. He also uses Freddy's favorite word, bitch, against him as a final fuck you.'' 'Poll' Who won ? Wolverine Freddy Krueger Category:Blog posts